It's Just a Jump to the Left

I will be falling into a hole in time for the next three weeks, but it may be longer. There may be sporatic posts, and there may not be. There may be Postcards From Beyond. There may even be chocolate.
Luckily, this time, I'll have n entire ladder rather than on pathetic quantum string and one knitting needle to help me out. But anyway, dear reader, you will see me again when I make my way out of the hole.

A thing, which happened last year (or so)

I was in France, studying stain-glass windows in maritime monasteries. Now, I don't know French. I know this is a problem when you're traveling in France and trying to speak to scholars about their buildings, but there you are. I go where I'm sent, and this time it was coastal France.
It was maybe my third week out when I was kidnapped by Spanish pirates. I think they had mistaken me for someone else because they kept asking me where 'it' was, and I think they were calling me Dani. And their French was tainted with Spanish, which made it even more difficult to understand, you see. I kept saying I had no idea what they were talking about, but they didn't believe me.
This went on for a week. The whole time I was watching Captain Alfonso stamp up and down with a magnificent sword dangling from his belt, and the whole time I was watching that sword very intently. That morning I was feeling particularly annoyed at the questions and the indecipherable French and the assumptions and the smell, so when I knocked the Captain over and stole his sword, I wasn' particularly shocked.
There was a long, dramatic sword fight, which I obviously won (since I live to tell the tale). I ordered the crew (in very bad French indeed) to go back to shore and back to where I was, thank you very much. They of course respected someone that could best their captain. I kept the sword, which I knew nothing about.
Apparently the sword belonged to Jean-louise Montgafeaux, who was a legendary monster hunter. I was hailed as a hero when I got back to France and turned the Spanish pirates in and returned the famous sword. But not all was well, because during that fight with Captain Alfonso my thumb got seriously bruised. It swelled up quite a bit, and turned all interesting shades on blue and purple and green and yellow.
That was some years ago, though, and now my life has gone back to normal and the bruise has faded. I don't have anything but medals and clips from papers and what not to remember it from. I really wish I had gotten at least one good scar.

Thievery

Ok, so I forgive you for stealing my tongue so you could talk to each other. And I forgive you for stealing my fire to keep warm. That's fair, I'll admit I was wrong to covet those and keep them from you as punishment for something you hadn't done.
But this is just silly. Please return my eyes. They only show you things you can't understand, and I need them. I'm trying to keep things going and I can't do that if I can't see. Look, you'll just go mad if you use them anyway. So just return them now and I won't get upset. I promise.

Riddles in the Dark

Ask the troll a riddle. If he gets it wrong, he'll bash you on the head. If he gets it right, he'll bash you over the head. Conclusion: Don't ask trolls riddles.

Forgive? Why Would You?

You seemed determined to make me innocent.
"Ah," I said, "I didn't really want the banana, I just don't like being told 'no'."
"I know." You said. "But you were allowed to have it, it's merely protocol for me to say no."
"Well what about switching the foot cream and the toothpaste, then?"
"That was a little wicked," you said, "but it was a trick that we taught you and were actually expecting. We would have been disappointed if you hadn't tried it eventually."
"Filling the cubicle with packing peanuts."
"Who doesn't want a cubicle filled with packing peanuts? I got to go home for the day. Hey, thanks for helping me play hooky."
"Well, what about the time when I locked you out on the patio and piled up the bears so it looked like they did it?"
"It was a nice day out and I got to enjoy the weather instead of being stuck inside staring at a lifeless computer monitor."
"When I dumped icy water down your back and you were falling asleep?"
"I wasn't supposed to be sleeping, it was a good wake up call. Also, the cold water was very refreshing in the heat."
"Well, what about the time I covered your car in seran wrap?"
"It was fun getting the odd looks from people I passed by."
"I don't think I have anything else."
"No, I don't think you do. Are you done? Will you come with me now and accept my forgiveness?"
Alas, I must always fall into your traps.

Roderick's Story (Or, Rita's Story, Mark II)

There was a Mad Scientist named Vladimir Raskalnovich-Nikov of Etceteragrad and he made a robot. The robots name was Roderick. Vladimir was experimenting with bio-tissue engineering to give Roderick a heart; he was also trying to make armor out of a Super Plastic Ceramic. When he managed it, he was so proud of Roderick that he took him to the Minerals, Metals and Marterials Society Conference to show him off.
My friend Rita went to that Conference, giving her amazing technical talk on Nano Ponies. She was interested in Roderick, with his working heart, and fantastic armor. But Roderick became enamored with her and he amazing technical work with Nano Ponies.
He rebelled against Vladimir Raskalnovich-Nikov of Etceteragrad by kicking his knees in and trapping him in the time vortex next door (which was at the wrong conference, but the team was trying to get back to the physics conference that had happened the week before).
He joined Rita and began building her a robot army to show his love for her. Some day she'll take over the world, with Roderick at the head of her army (and I hope she'll still let me design the uniforms for her Minions).

Spoilers

Good afternoon!
Did you know that if you go past the little hedge in the garden, between the yew and the nightshade, you will find a small door in the wall? Have you ever gone through it? You should do that at least once, when you have the time. It may take a while to find your way back, but don't worry, you'll make it all right, just so long as you don't keep all your knickknacks to yourself.
When you find the bejeweled egg in the nest on top of the tallest tree you've ever seen (the one you wont be able to resist climbing) keep it safe, don't drop it. The mother has gotten lost and will reward you well for bringing it to her.
Don't trust the old man with the key, he doesn't realize you aren't his arch nemesis, and is looking to have you locked in a dungeon for five months. When he reveals this to you, set him straight and offer to help him find and defeat the ersatz nemesis. You'll gather friends on the way to help you, of course.
don't trust any friendly-looking raccoons, rabbits or renuculas.
Always trust bears, bluebirds and begonias.
Remember the riddle-solving part of your brain, but forget the part that's based solidly in physics and chemistry. Also, the geometry there is strictly non-euclidean
But, look, I've given away too much already. You'll really have to figure this all out on your own. Just go, and find out for yourself.

Mad Lib

The last time you did this was actually the first time I believed it could be done.
Unfortunately, though, it was the only time it could ever be done properly. Physics doesn't allow something like that to happen twice.
So, please, put down the goat, take your finger off the splunge button and we'll all get through this just fine.

Ok, Lavonne, You Happy Now?

He said he was born in the wrong century. He decided to become a sailor and learned how to play the concertina and went without a bath. He wore wool and climbed up rigging and let down sails and bought a musket. But then, at 25, he contracted cholera and died because he didn't believe penicillin had been discovered yet.

Just Don't

Whatever you do, don't open the trap door under the rug behind the hidden door at the back of the pantry.
Yesterday the neighbors dog, the one that barks all night, got into the house and found the door. He was yapping at it and when I lifted it to see what the problem was, a tentacle grabbed him and dragged him down into it's lair.
Also, don't tell the neighbor that you haven't seen the dog.

What Has It Got In Its Pocketses?

I have a friend that has a pocket of anti-reality in her car. She uses it to store soda and vitamin water and tea, mostly. She pulls them in from the future, pulls the potential of soda from reality. She says potential soda tastes better, anyway.
But sometimes she forgets to go back and pay for the potential soda later and gets thrown into a paradox. Of course, she may already be in a paradox, which is why she can pull them out of reality anyway.